i feel really shitty right now. the last week has been the worst one in awhile. i acquired some things i didn't want, and my dog got put to sleep. i'm in serious debt and there doesn't look to be an ending point to it. i was 17 days late paying rent, i still owe my other landlord more money, and the bank too, as well as the months rent in another 10 days. there is no way i can do this anymore.
i feel stupid for waiting up for you last night too. i knew you weren't going to come home, even though that's what you told me. i knew something would come up, and something would happen. i knew you wouldn't call, and i knew you probably forgot all about me. that's fine. i'm here anyways. i don't have anything to do but wait. i took the day off for you and i to spend time. i should have worked.

i never update this anymore. i think i found things to do other than write about what i want to do or what i have been doing. it's sort of like logging my life online, and it makes me relatively uncomfortable. i'm not sure how i feel about random strangers reading about my life now. i used to be like "eh" but then there is all of this identity theft and strangers showing up at your door knowing all this crap about you. i'm pretty sure if i had a doorbell, and someone i didn't know rang it, and it was because they read my journal.... it will end up being some creepy guy dressed up how they think shaun would look, and bringing me dandelions and telling me they have baby kittens in their car and i can come see if i want. i guess i would probably go and see if there really was kittens and if there was i would take all of them. but if there wasn't i would be totally fucked. i would like have to be locked in some dude's van for who knows how long and who knows what he would do to me. judging by what i'm writing about all the time, he would probably think i was a whiney emo bitch, which i pretty much am, but he would only see the complaining side of me and maybe he wouldn't even come at all. maybe he isn't coming to kidnap and/or kill me for the basic reasons that i am whiney and he doesn't want to listen to me whine. that's pretty shitty you know. judging someone by their journal. especially a girl. you know all we do is whine in these things anyways. or write stupid shit that people read and are like "GOD, erin complains all the time. she'll never be satisfied with anything."
oh, i am satisfied lj reading whores, i am. and once we move out, and i get a kitten, and shaun gets back from tour. i will be soooo happy.
so take that.. take it all the way to the grave.
yeah, i think my dog has cancer. the old one. i'm pretty much not happy about that. on the real. :\

i'm pretty sure we might just be the weirdest combination ever.

maybe like parking in driveways and driving in parkways.
and none of it makes any sense really.

but it's pretty much the most perfect thing ever.

Date:	2006-04-13 11:03
Subject:	new house
Security:	Public
Mood:	loved
Music:	incubus

last night i prayed until i fell asleep for God giving me back shaun and these friends and this life and that family. i am so thankful for the things that are just being thrown out in front of me. i'm just excited. today i'm going up to rock 'n roll to see if i can get a job there which april sort of said is more than likely, i have money, i have the love of my life, and i don't know what else i could ask for. last night shaun woke me up in the middle of the night because i had scooted out of the comforter and he asked if i was cold and tucked me in again. i closed my eyes and pressed my back on his and thanked God for bringing him home to me.

Date:	2006-04-02 01:30
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	drunk
Music:	FHAR

When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? ew.

How much cash do you have on you? debit card, mother fucker.

What's a word that rhymes with door? whore!

Favorite planet? venus

Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your mobile? i think it was brian or his aunt.

What is your favorite ring on your phone? the spooky one haha.

What shirt are you wearing right now? shaun's terror shirt.

Do you "label" yourself? who doesn't? if you say you're not a label, then you're labeling yourself unlabelable. that's a label too... i'm ndrunk.

Name the brand of shoes you're currently wearing? vans.

Bright or Dark Room? this room is bright but i wish it were dark. i feel tired and it hurts my eyes.

What do you think about the person who took this survey before you? i think she is splendid.

What were you doing at midnight? watching DSC fuck up tremont and shaun dancing and having an amazing time.

What did your last text message you received on your mobile say? "you better hurry up"

Where is your mail box? in front of my house.

Who told you he/she loved you last? adele.

Last furry thing you touched? weasel..

How many drugs have you done in the last three days? not one.

How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? none.

Favorite age you have been so far? eighteen.

Your worst enemy? pretty girls.

What is your current desktop picture? my precious kitten, brighton.

What was the last thing you said to someone? "i know, i'm gonna miss you"

If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly? the money. i'd buy me and shaun a house and him a good car and we'd invest some in stocks and become multimillionaires and live happily ever after.

Do you like someone? i like shaun hovell.... haha.

The last song you listened to? for hope and revenge - what they use against the innocent.

If the last person you spoke to was getting shot at, would you run? my fist into their face, yes.

If you could punch one person right now, who would it be? probably weasel. he shit in the floor. he's not really a person though, so i recant that and add in this girl i dislike.

What is the closest object to your left foot? the coffee table.

Date:	2006-04-01 14:56
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	loved
Music:	buck 65 - roses and bluejays

shaun moved home on the seventeenth of march, and i think i've been perpetually attached to him since then. it's sort of almost an invisible fear, i'm half unaware of, that if i leave him or move anything at all, he and everything i know will disappear and i'll wake up from some fucked up dream. he's been living over at taddeo/brian/steve's place for the past two weeks or so, and we've been sleeping in the floor on a bed of couch cushions, or on seperate couches, but none the less, together. things have been absolutely amazing. i feel stupid for doubting fate, because i know now that there are reasons for everything and for some reason we needed to be apart for a month and a half. we decided not to count that month and a half, so in another 13 days we'll be a year and two months.
shaun's in this new band now, called for hope and revenge. and they're amazing. but they're also going on tour for seventeen days. in june. and shaun will be in atlanta on my birthday.
i feel sort of disappointed in a way about it, because i'd like nothing more than to see him on my birthday, but i'm more-so proud of him for doing this because i know how long he's wanted it and i'm so proud of him because he has so much talent and he's doing something with it and i couldn't be happier for him. i couldn't be more swollen with pride inside when he introduces me to his friends as his girlfriend either. and i couldn't be happier with how things in my life are right now.
every little empty piece of me is reassembling everytime he holds my hands in the car or kisses me goodnight or tells me i'm pretty. i have never felt more whole in my entire life.

Date:	2006-03-06 04:03
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated
Music:	emiliana torrini - to be free

so rivera and i were having a bad day.
we go to waffle house.
the lady, you know her, overwait with a limp, puts down napkins and walks away.
30 minutes later we can order drinks and food.
45 minutes later we get our burnt, and scarcely there food.
rivera waits 15 minutes for coffee and when i finally ask for it she kids around saying "no" and that if we need anything to just say "janie we need you a sec"
well, janie, it turns out you're a waitress.
we don't call you. you wait on us. it's your job.
at the cash register, she tries to give me back 4 out of a 20.
our food was six dollars.
she swears up and down i handed her a 10.
i leave. without tipping.
because i have been a waitress. if i was that shitty i wouldn't tip me either. SORRY.
she chases me out to the car to tell me that she onwy makes two dowwars and thirteen cents an owa and at least i could have tipped. i tell her i don't tip people who accuse me of trying to steal money, don't refill my drinks, serve me burnt food, and don't come back to check on us, but tell us to call her if we need anything..
she tells me what goes around, comes around.
well, janie, if it's ninty three cents that i'm gonna lose because i didn't tip your gimpy ass a whopping 15% for doing nothing, then gee boy i think i'll survive. maybe if you didn't like making 2.13 an hour you would realize you're fourty something and you should probably get a real job, or do your job for that matter, or perhaps not chase people out into the parking lot because you want your tip for a six dollar meal. that's not that good for your booming business. it's ninty three cents, you cunt. i think you'll live.

on another note, rivera brought up a good point. if what goes around, is going to come around, then what the fuck did she do when she was my age? she must have beat old people and drop kicked infants in the hospital.

and for me, well, i do wonder what will "come around" for me.
would it be losing my job? oh that's right, I DONT HAVE ONE.
would it be losing my friends? oh that's right, they all have separate lives to live and not a lot of time for shittin' it up with their unemployeed friends who don't have lives. because they have lives, and they don't have time for me.
would it be losing the love of my life? thanks, janie, but he actually just left me and now i live with my parents again. he's wrenching my heart right now, but thank you for the consideration. maybe he'll stop talking to me, again. hope that's it, janie. i love feeling alone.
or maybe you'll luck out and my parents will kick me out of the house, and i can wreck my car, and i really will have lost everything.

you're a cunt.

This mess becomes beneath us now,
we cannot sweat this poison out,
it's in my skin and in my mouth,
and when I sing, these lies come out.



of course, i was hurt.
i forgot that i only pull myself together to pick myself apart.
how absolutely stupid of me.

and what is worse, is that i will continue to do it,
until the consequences are so severe that there is no return for me.

at all.

and then my friends, i will probably do it again.

the stove must have never been hot enough for me when i was a child.

what i am basically saying, is that unfortunately for me, i am girl.
and i'm on of those girls too. : (

Date:	2006-03-03 00:17
Subject:	all that has mattered has happened in a matter of a year...
Security:	Public
Mood:	hopeful
Music:	neva dinova - poison

today i picked my brother up from school, vaccumed out my car, cleaned all of the hard surfaced interior, cleaned my room, folded my laundry, finished the book i've been working on all week, and made a birthday card, yet i am still restless.

i sat outside in my driveway for fifteen minutes tonight, smoking, listening to neva dinova, and looking at the stars.
maybe it was my glasses being dirty, or maybe it was the clouds, but they looked different then they have before.
they were strung up in the sky like sparkles in a spider's web.

this whole day i've spent for the most part outside during the daylight hours.
i felt the sun, i felt the wind, and most of all, i felt like smiling wouldn't be completely out of the picture.
it didn't feel awkward or out of place.
it felt like it belonged.

i felt, for the most part, fulfilled.
i felt whole and new and alive.
i felt in love. still.

ALL THAT MATTERS HAS HAPPENED IN A MATTER OF A YEAR.

i finally put aside everything that people said and did what i needed to.
i wrote it all out.
turns out, he did mean it, and it wasn't just shit and piss to fill up space in my mind.

i, more openly than anything, want this so deep from inside me, that i'm surprised i can't hear it.

i just want to tear out all my hair, smoke an entire pack of cigarettes within the hour, drown myself in my bath tub, and drink so much water that my blood thins out and i get cold and die.
it is the most amazing fact to honestly in your heart believe you are touching your dreams with your fingertips, but in return the most horrifying thing to sit back and wait to see what he will say back.
it will only take one word to visually stab me in the rib cage.
and only two more to let me know everything will be fine.


i need this so much.
i promise will never ask for anything else in life, if i can just have this.

[our Father who art in Heaven,
save me from the wreck i'm about to drown in.]

Date:	2006-02-27 17:25
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	dido - my life

i ran away this weekend.
i ran away and i didn't come home until today.
i needed that worse than i can ever begin to remind anyone of.
i left my phone in randy's car, and cut myself off from everyone.
i missed a baby shower and i missed a birthday party,
but i needed this in such a literal way that it's unexplainable.

i feel sort of confused now. not about what i want, because i know that now.
but more or less like i don't know whether i should laugh or cry.
i don't know whether i should be happy or miserable.
i am sort of both at the same time.
i feel like any moment i will cry and laugh until i don't feel either way..

either way, anyways, this weekend was amazing.
just to feel your lips again, hold your hand next to my heart, kiss all your freckles,
and breathe you in, it was just like my dream, but i didn't have to wake up this time.
i wanted to smile and break down at the same time.
i let myself sink into your eyes, and i believe i left myself there.
but, God, if i didn't miss you terribly.
i felt so complete in your arms and in your eyes and in your hands
and under your lips and in between your fingers.
i felt afraid to sleep, and find out it wasn't a dream.
instead i woke up in your arms.


i knew this was neverending.

occasionally, and at the moment, i want to bury my face in my hands and weep.
i should not cry, for that is only for pain.
this weeping is a deep sorrow connected to every fiber in my body.
i am so intricately confused with all of the emotions running through myself.
i miss the comfort i used to find inside myself at the end of the day.
i could relax and when i woke, there was reason behind it.
i think it left with my lover.

as did all of my rational reasoning.

i keep his things in my closet.
all those flowers, and all those pictures in frames, and scrapbooks and diary enteries that could stretch until the end of time, filled full of my love for one boy, and one only.

i've spoken about it, and tried to convince unwilling ears to listen to the somewhat seemingly premature ramblings i have full of love and aspirations in my life. there are some things you know. that you just know. i know that at age seventeen, in a house full of vegans and straight edge kids, in the pool house during that summer we drank away, in those bottle caps you crushed between your fingers that i still have, in those yellow flowers for my birthday, in an empty cigarette carton or a fifth we split, in the dark silence in which you kissed me, in the early blue creepings of dawn, in the back of a van, in your red face aimed at the floor as you're trying to tell me you love me, in the middle of the living room, in a rainy summer night, in the smell of your hair, the ocean, the sand, the liqour, those freckles and the confessions, in your back or chest against mine and the feeling of you breathing, in your hands, i have found my soul mate.
i have found the one person i have always cared for unconditionally, that his looks discontinued to matter, that i would stay up until all hours of the am holding a wash cloth to his head and having the fan on full blast just to see he slept peacefully and painlessly. i have found the person who i could give my last three dollars to and not wish i didn't, and have to slip it in his pants when he was in the shower so he would take it. the person i would wake up early to cook breakfast for and have food ready when he got home. the one i could leave notes on the refridgerator for, and make magazine cut out cards for. the person who would keep the notes, and those flowers i left in his car and all of those hearts i cut out and gave him on valentines day. the person who held my hand in the car, and would walk up and down the shoreline with me. the person who i could never really be mad at. the person who i could look at and see the ocean in his eyes, and the sun in his freckles and feel life when our lips met. the person i could appologize to even when it wasn't my fault. the person i would be willing to move 300 miles away from everything i know to exsist just to appease his wants.
but mostly. it's the person i look at as beyond my lover, and beyond my best friend, but more as a part of me.
and part of me i had to take care of as well, yet before myself.

i can't even begin to describe how many meals i missed just to bring him food home from work, or how many times i've been late on the rent because i bought cigarettes and beer that weekend, just to make him smile. i can't describe how many times he's kissed me in that hall, or woke beside me, or held my hand over a dinner table. i can't put into meaningful words how many times he's held me against him, and i've fell asleep there, his snoring sterioed against my back and i felt peacefulness and completeness. every time he's pulled me into his lap and held me and whispered about loving me forever and told me he'd marry me right now if he could. every little sideways glance, and invitation to breathe him in and every freckle on his body, even the one on his lip that made his scruff look crooked, will always mean more to me then anything i will ever be able to fathom.

from the night that we stared into each others eyes and you took my face in your hands, completely stopped everything and told me that i was beautiful and you loved me, to the night i cried to you and you turned over to watch television and completely ignored me; my love has only but continued to blossum in the foulest of cruel ways.
i feel i have lost everything, but then one never really loses their soulmate.
sometimes people just drift apart.
i just hope the ocean brings him back to me.


i regret to inform the general public that i will wait forever.
i will be this lighthouse, this sturdy place, this safe place, this quite secluded place that is calm wether the sea is brushing against me or battering me, and no matter what fish the sea throws my way, i'm only looking for driftwood who floated away seemingly forever ago.
i will no longer try to replace the emptiness that fills me with uselessness.
i will go on with life, but without another.
and his lips will remain the last to touch mine.


hopefully, the winds will change, the air will be new, and on some form of miracle, our love will be born brand new.
i can hope not for more.

all of my friends have gone and theyve died.

andeevyerthing that ihave held dearh as died with tjhem.


tonight i will drijnk away all of your freckles, your lips, uour eyes and alls sof those gsod damn i love yous/


yet i am sure threy ewill haunt me in the moerning.

i've kind of sorted my head out a little
shaun and i are friends
i'm not going to date anyone
and uh..
also that i am about busted.
i'm going to be that girl that people say "dude, she used to be hot, but she got BUUUUUSTTTEEDDD"
i feel it coming.

i need to go to the doctor soon.


also.
i need to get a grip on reality soon.



reeeal soon.

last night i sat in daves living room and we both drank away all of their smiles, and freckles, and lips, and eyes, and the wine is still in my stomach today, and it makes it turn.

i drank pino grigio, with some sort of liquor rivera brought poured into it.
my head hurts.



why am i still alive?

i feel stupid.
i listened to that incubus song "aqueous transmission" all night tonight.
and it made me remember the summer shaun and i went to dianes and slept together on her futon and the way he smelled and how we listened to that song all night long. there was sand in the sheets and the fan was humming and the street lights were peering through the blindes. it smelled like the beach and liquor and our backs were touching and i was listening to him breathe against the song, and against my back, and it was probably the happiest moment in my life because i was finally complete.
and then it all disappeared.
and i lost everything that ever meant anything to me.

if it was in any way a possibility i would live in those moments forever.

it's useless to try to convince myself i like someone else when my heart is just black with numbness.
all it is is me trying to cover up that hole that was drilled so deep in my lungs it feels like water is seeping in and i'm slowing suffocating.
i feel it most when i dream about him and he's kissing me and i wake up and it chokes me.

i once said that i would rather die then lose him, and in the loss i feel i have both physically and metaphorically done both.

i thought about praying for the feeling to go away, but it's been the only thing real i can remember, and i thought about moving on, but i know i've said it a thousand times, if i've said it once, you only have one soul mate.
in the midst of the winter, i have lost everything.
it leaves me shaking.

Date:	2006-02-20 01:13
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated

once again my life, through my friends and everyone who's business it has become, has become drama.
an awful horrible beast of drama.

and all of the little birdies who are telling me things, and all of the people who are whispering
ARE GETTING ON MY FUCKING NERVES.

it is making my brain a big mess of knots.
this is all.
/end.

Date:	2006-02-19 02:28
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	complacent

i don't feel good.
and i don't feel good about this situation.
this is why i don't ever speak my feelings anymore.

i think the answer to all my questions is under my finger nails, and i'm just cutting them off.

i think i'm destined to be that girl forever.

seriously, just fuck whatever i want. i don't know what's good for me. it's all just stupid.







on a completely other note, i am drowning everything i've ever been tonight.
all of it.
and tomorrow, no one will even know my name.
[intothesky]

Date:	2006-02-18 03:44
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated

some secret.
it's news now.



i had a somewhat shitty day, minus a couple things that happened; this boy, dinner with amy, and uh.... joey telling me he pied some girl in the face.

those were okay.
i have to have this scarf done by tomorrow, but the likely hood that i will finish is pretty slim to none.
i guess auntie will have to wait, eh?
eh.